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Not My Baby

Chandra Steele

I was into rom coms for too long. The biggest risk I’ve taken is I went to Nepal to do relief work, fell in love with a German woman, brought her back to Brooklyn. It could not have turned out worse. I recently discovered that the closer a wound is to your heart, the faster the healing time.

The first round is on me if you can hang in a serious dive bar.

Together we could find a new form of life or just talk physics. We could go upstate for apple pie. What English word do you think sounds best? A random fact I love is that zebras are black animals with white stripes. Two truths and a lie: when I get nervous my left eyebrow shakes, I walked Manhattan end to end in less than two hours, I once accidentally auditioned for porn.

What if I told you that I frequently get paid to travel to allegedly haunted places?

I was briefly held hostage in Laos while mildly tripping on mushrooms.

I saved a dog from getting run over by a car in Ireland.

I had to evade a drug smuggler in Morocco.

I was detained in Singapore and Cuba.

I’m Marc, Greg, Shawn, Leo, Louis-Francois, Aaron, Becket. The secret to getting to know me is: don’t discuss politics with me.

My go-to karaoke song is “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” My fondest childhood memory is beekeeping with the old man. I won’t shut up about, I dunno, books and shit. Believe it or not, I have Bill Murray’s phone number.

Like you I live in Crown Heights, Bushwick, New Jersey, Philly, currently am abroad but might move back to the States. Believe it or not, I am leaving New York in the summer, so it’s probably best not to fall in love unless you want to quit your job and travel the world with me.

I’m a copywriter, software engineer, creative director, design mercenary. I’m a professor at college. That guy who answers all of your tech questions. I have a job. A life goal of mine is to be the first Mars archaeologist. Believe it or not, I don’t use any social media. I am, for real, a bird watcher.

What do I think about organized religion? You could say I’m agnostic. I’m an atheist. Agnostic and an atheist. I’m spiritual. Believe it or not, I used to be a Mormon. Please don’t be into astrology.

It’s really surprising that I don’t like beets, iced tea, or Rice Krispies treats. My simple pleasures are sunsets mostly. If loving smooth jazz is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I’d donate a kidney for tickets to “Springsteen on Broadway” but now it’s on Netflix. This year I really want to actually learn to speak French. Give me travel tips for tropical islands where I can learn to surf and scuba dive and not think about politics anymore.

I’m looking for someone with a warm smile who is active and has a bit of an edge. An emotionally and mentally healthy, attractive, intelligent woman. All I ask is that you be cool, be yourself, have confidence, don’t get uncomfortable too easily, and want to laugh at silly things. The most influential woman in my life is my grandmother who once told me I look like “the establishment on vacation.” Who says Grandma can’t help me get laid? My most irrational fear is sinkholes.

Guess where this photo was taken. Here’s a picture of me with sharp implements, oysters, heart-shaped mylar balloons, a Mustang that’s not mine, a cat that’s not mine, a baby that’s not mine, a girl with the mind-blown emoji over her head who is no longer mine. I don’t know that guy back there. This is a bathroom selfie, but I liked the light.

I have been known to smile, I swear. I’m weirdly attracted to texting in complete, grammatically correct sentences. You should not go out with me if you deify anyone. I want someone who can call me out on my BS. I’m looking for someone who is interested in a slow burn. I’m a busy boy. I’ve sequestered one weekend day for dates. We’ll get along if you don’t take yourself all too seriously and can laugh at yourself and, of course, others. I’m looking for a reason to leave work early. I want someone who brings some happiness into my life. All I ask is that you be kind.


Chandra Steele is a writer and journalist from New York. Her work has appeared in No Contact, Wigleaf, Storm Cellar, Ample Remains, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Entropy, and others. Rick Moody once said she wrote the best description of a racetrack he has ever read. She has never been to a racetrack. More of her writing can be found at You can follow her at @ChanSteele.

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